Sunday, July 19, 2009

Postpartum Depression

No new mother wants to admit to the world that she's suffering from postpartum depression. It makes you feel weak, like a failure. You can't explain it to anyone either. If you haven't experienced it (and I don't wish it on anyone) you just cannot understand PPD. One second things are going well, the next you might be so angry you want to throw something, so sad you can't stop the hysterical sobbing, so anxious you're having a panic attack. Sometimes, you can experience all of these feelings in the matter of a short amount of time.

PPD is nothing to mess around with either. I tried to deny that I was experiencing postpartum for a time. I didn't want to admit it, because I felt like a big loser. I already wasn't able to nurse my baby because my milk never came in. I had a huge amount of guilt over that situation. I cried about it for weeks. Anytime anyone brought up the subject or asked why I was formula feeding, I had an emotional breakdown. So, originally, I chalked my sadness up to that and "baby blues." Little by little, I began noticing the supposed "baby blues" hanging on and getting worse. I won't go into the day/incident that really made me realize what was going on, mainly because no one could understand it, but I finally had to admit to myself and my husband that I needed help.

I guess what today's ramble means is that it's not your fault if you're suffering from PPD. The only thing you can do is ask for help. Ask your family, your friends, and most importantly your doctor. I can't say I am feeling like myself yet. Just don't allow anything to take over your life, it's simply not worth it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Geek Within

I don't mind admitting I'm a geek. It's okay. I have learned long ago that I don't really care if other people think I'm "cool."

What things make me a geek?

1. Harry Potter. No midnight movie showings due to baby, but I do read the books..over and over and over. I do own the movies. I don't dress up, but I fell long ago into the magical world of Harry Potter and I love that I've forced my husband to read the books too. Two years ago, we went to the beach and arrived in Holden shorty before we could get into our house. What did we do? Sure we got dinner, just happened that the final Harry Potter book came out that day. I couldn't get it before the beach because it wasn't out and I surely wasn't going to order it and wait! Then I wouldn't have it until after the beach, because we left Friday! We sought out the town of Shallotte, NC where we found a Super Wal-mart. I hate Walmart. With my every being. That day, I loved Walmart. I read book 7 in less than a day, passed it to my husband who read it, and then my friends' son read it. It was a great week.

2. Twilight. My cousin got me into the series. She will be 20 in a few days. I'm older than that. I'm not a teenager. I'm not in <3 class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">because
of the actor. Maybe because I'm afraid that it will not do the book justice. I don't know. I do know, the series rocks.

3. My absolute favorite author is Sophie Kinsella. I know that most of the women my age are into deep thought provoking literature about being a strong woman, motherhood, religion. Sophie Kinsella is the author of the Shopaholic series. I've been reading her since her Shopaholic book first came out years ago. I refuse to see the movie. From what I've seen of the trailer they've BUTCHERED the book. I love Rebecca Bloomwood. I appreciate who she is despite her financial flaws. I love her crazy relationship with Luke Brandon. What is it with characters named Luke?? I have every single one of her books, including those that are one offs, non-shopaholic related. Just finished re-reading The Undomestic Goddess for the hundredth time the other day. I even liked Remember Me despite the fact that it was more serious than her other books. I'm looking forward to Twenties Girl. I would love to meet this author.

4. In relation to the last reason, I want to write a book. I have always wanted to write a book. I have ideas all over the place. My husband keeps telling me to just do it. I blame lack of time. I wouldn't even care if anyone liked my book. I just want to be published. That's the Jess in me I guess.

5. I love school and learning. If it was realistic at all, I'd always be taking classes. I love going to class. I love participating in discussions. I love writing papers. Let's face it, when you go to college at 18, social life is way more important that class. I did well in school, don't get me wrong. I appreciated grad school way more than undergrad.

6. I love office supplies. When I'm having a really bad day, I can just walk up and down the aisles at Staples and feel at peace even if I don't buy anything. I like imagining owning a business so that I can have custom post-its and note pads. I'd have an awesomely chic bulletin board with all my memos on it. I'd have organized areas for all my important papers.

There are other reasons, but it's always good not to put too much out there. Sometimes those closest to me are the only ones who can really know all there is to know.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Oiy with the poodles already...

Seriously, that is where I'm at right now. Things are great, but I have a few struggles at the moment that are just bugging me to no end.

1. The Rash. Oh Lord. I had this terrible rash in my first month of pregnancy on my arms and legs (just in certain areas). The doctors had no clue what was causing it, and it went away in a month or so. It's back. All I do is itch! It's so hard when I'm playing with/holding the baby and his hair tickles my rash. I can't just throw him on the ground and scratch!!! I don't know what to do. I know I should go back to the doctor, but hello, cortizone cream doesn't help. Totally sucks. So I'm using old wives tale remedies that help. Still there, but getting better. Sigh.

2. I was a weight watchers fiend before baby. I lost over 130 pounds. No, I'm not kidding. I lived weight watchers. They say it's not a diet, a lifestyle, well for me, that was so true. Then baby. I admit, I ate what I wanted. Now I need to get back to WW, but time and motivation just aren't there right now. Help! I had this whole support system and I know that A. the people who used to be in my meeting probably won't be there anymore and B. we're moving anyway, so I have to find a new meeting. Though, I do know my favorite leader also does meetings in Cranberry!

Those are my struggles. Other than that, life is great! (I could put in the house struggle, but we're hopefully solving that tomorrow!)

Sunday, July 5, 2009


Have you ever met someone who is just plain rude? Yeah, me too. I don't get it either.

Love my baby! He loved his first 4th of July!

Warning**Girl Talk

After you've had a baby, how bad were your first few periods? I feel like I'm dying. Add this to the list of things you don't learn until after baby. I've been miserable for days. I guess people in my life with no kids won't get that either. My uncomfortableness is taken to be something else because I'm quiet.

Lord, give me strength.

Love you Dex!