Saturday, December 4, 2010

The one in which I am a huge idiot...

I hinted at a fun tale, and figured, enough time has passed so that I can now laugh at this story.

Let me preface this by saying, I have only locked my keys in the car one time besides this story.  Yes, I am aware I have just jinxed myself from now until eternity.  The last time I did this, I was 16 or 17.  My mom asked me to go to Pennsmart (now Planet Mart, I think) to get a newspaper or something.  I went.  I turned off the car,  put the keys in my purse, and proceeded to dump it all over the seat.  I never noticed the keys fell out, though I did upon looking in the window when I tried to get back in.  It was so long ago I had to use a PAY PHONE to call for help.  (yes, yes, I am officially old enough to remember using a pay phone).

Let me set the scene for you.  We were still living in the good old S-burg.  I had picked Dex up from the sitter and Rob passed through Cranberry on his way home from work.  This huuuuge storm (that subsequently had us trapped indoors for like a week afterwards) was just beginning to hit.  I knew we were running low on formula and wanted to get some so that our child could eat.  I had this brilliant plan that my husband could meet us at Giant Eagle in Seven Fields, take Dex home in his lovely SUV, and then I'd quickly hit the store, get some necessities and follow in my puny car that I love so leave me alone.  It seemed like complete genius!  Dex would get off the road in the safe car, and only I would be left to try and get home.

We made the hand off and I went into GE to get my shopping done.  It was a little nuts, as one could expect, but not too bad because I wasn't really looking for the things most people were looking for.  I headed to the checkout where I waited longer than usual, but really not that long.

I went out to my car, carefully because amazingly a ton of snow had fallen and the parking lot was slippery!  I unlocked my car, put my groceries inside, and sat in the driver's seat to start the car and warm up.  Problem.  The car was completely covered with snow, despite the fact that I hadn't been in the store all that long.  I decided to get out and scrape, but leave the car running because of how fast the snow was falling.  I finally got my car uncovered, when i went to get back in the car.  Um, wtf.  Why is my door locked?  My keys are in the ignition.  Crap, well I'll just call.....omg.  My purse is in the car.  My cell phone is in my purse.  My car is running, I have no purse, no phone.  I am 30 minutes (on a good day) away from home.  I had no clue what to do. 

I decided to head back in the store (based on my first experience with keys locked in a car) and call for help from a pay phone.  Problem.  There is no pay phone because HELLO it's 2010.  Crap.  Now what?  Ask an employee for help.  Um yeah, they are basically ignoring me because there are 203840293802138402380 people in the store.  Seriously.  Now what do I do?  I will ask someone to use their cell phone to call my husband, my parents, someone.  I asked.  And asked.  And asked.  20+ people later?  Not one person would let me use their cell phone.  I am NOT KIDDING.  I showed them my car, running, purse in it, door locked, and NOTHING.  Oh and fyi, my coat was in the car.  I literally kept trying employees/manager/kind souls and nothing.  I was to the point that I wanted to cry or go try and flag down a cop on the road or something, when standing by my car I see an SUV pull in with parents and children.  All I could think was, this is a mom, with her kids, she will definitely get it right?  I explained my dilemma and asked if I could please borrow her cell phone to make a call.  I offered my shoes as collateral.  She laughed and said of course. 

Now I must stop a moment and explain why she said yes.  She was a parent from the school I work at and recognized me.  Fabulous, and here I was thinking I'd never see these people again and therefore could forever hide my embarrassment!

Believe me, this story is far from over.  She hands me her phone and then I draw a blank.  Problem.  Even though I call it like 34 trillion times a day, I cannot remember my husband's cell phone number.  (I knew he wasn't home yet).  Crap. Okay, even though I know he's not home, I call home.  Answering machine.  Crap.  I call my parent's house.  Answering machine.  CRAP.  And also I can't remember their cell phone numbers either.  Seriously, I am not usually this stupid.  While all this is happening, the mom is looking at me like, dude I hope this woman never teaches my kid.  (or in reality like, this poor girl who is so stupid, I feel bad for her.  I should like buy her a clue or something)  Then, it comes to me.  My husband gave me and easy way to remember his cell number involving Penguins players jersey numbers.  (yes we really are that weird).  I tried it and praise to all that can be, I'm right.  Crying (I can't help it by now) I tell him what happened and that I need help.  He is about half way home because the roads suck.  He's ready to turn around, but I was like no, Dex needs to be home and safe.  He tells me he will get ahold of one of my parents to watch the baby and come and get me.  Thank GOD!  I thank the parents and decide to hang out and wait.

Problem.  It's cold.  Problem.  I'm afraid to leave my running car with all my personal purse stuff.  Eh, I'm close enough to the door that I can watch it.  You would think by now I'd be okay, but no.  Why??  Because I have no cell phone, I have no clue when my husband will be there.  It felt like hours.  I have no clue how long it actually was.  I kept running back and forth between car and store so that I felt like I was doing something, I guess and passing the time.  I tried not to look idiotic standing there, like, wtf am I doing?  I tried singing songs in my head and counting floor tiles, pretending I obviously had some big important job.  I kept returning to my car to clean it off, because you know I still had that stupid ice scraper, which I eventually started putting under my car so I wasn't holding it in the store.  Because I was worried about the ice scraper making me look like a moron.  I sniper watched every SUV that drove into GE, because I just knew the next one would be him.  After about the millionth time I counted to 500 (my magic number??), I saw an it?  no?  yes?  YES it's him.  I had managed after getting off the phone to keep it together all that time.  As soon as I saw my husband, I ran (raaaan) out of the store pointing to my car.  He got out, unlocked it and hugged me while I cried and sobbed about how cold I was, and how stupid I was, and why now in the biggest snow storm of the winter??? 

After the dramatic portion, we got into our cars and I never felt so relieved.  Needless to say, my car was a freaking oven.  I wanted to make out with my phone.  I called the hubby on the way home (I know stupid in bad weather) but I needed to hear a comforting voice.  Thankfully, my dad was at the drug store like 5 feet from our house and had immediately come over to stay with Dex.  It took about 45 minutes, but we got home.  I have never in my life been so thankful to be in that townhouse.  Never.

That is the getting locked out story.  To this day, I have no clue how I locked the door, because it was unlocked when I opened it obviously. 

And just so you know, I now unlock at least two doors every time I get in the car (I don't have automatic locks.....remember, I love my car) and usually four.  That's just how I roll now.

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